Thursday, October 1, 2009

Ideal Jobs

[Change of font today. Tired of Arial.]

Sometimes I think of jobs that would be really fun to do but which don't actually exist. Part of the reason these pretend jobs sound so appealing is that they also sound blissfully non-time consuming or time consuming in blissful ways.

1. Naming books. I realize that lots of authors probably name their own novels. I also know that plenty of novels get renamed. What if I could get a gig as book title editor. No grammar skills required. I would have to read the book, of course, which would be a plus as long as I worked in the fiction/creative nonfiction division. If the Powers That Be (also known as "They") didn't consider this enough work, I could spend the remainder of my day approving and vetoing book cover designs.

2. Professional book reader. Don't mistake this for job #1 because it's not the same at all. In this profession, I would be one of those people with a mysterious talent for enjoying books that are always popular. [I hardly ever read best sellers, so they'd have to be literary hits.] Once my talent is discovered, books will come in the mail by the hundreds with checks enclosed in their pages and all I will have to do is give the books a thumbs up or a thumbs down. Since I'm not very good at actually reviewing books, I will just give my yay or nay and send them along to the New York Times for review. This job will be kind of secret like the people who decide what colors we're all going to wear 10 years before they hit the runway.

3. Child naming vetoer. When more than one person in America had named their child ESPN, something has to be done. Calling child services might be the first step, but close behind is a CNV who inspects the names of all children either before or shortly following birth. Any initials that spell a curse word (no example needed), names that sound like other things (Matt Trest) and awful get your child beaten up on the playground names will be done away with (Iowna Hanky). Sure it sounds like this is taking away a parent's freedom to name their own child, but really it gives that child so much more freedom in the future. No more Josie Grossy, my friends.

4. Model beautiful jewelry by Shannon Guo from lips to clavicle.


Emily Kate said...

There was a boy in my high school named Justin Inch. VETO!

therooddog said...

Please don't get a job vetoing names.

I want to become a baby naming agent. This way people can "leverage" the names of their kids for stuff. For example, if you hire me, and name your kid Michael "Verizon" Johnson - I'll write a contract between you and Verizon so that you get Verizon's Blackberry Data plan for free for the rest of your life.

Company are always looking for new ways to advertise and people are always having kids so I think this is pretty sustainable. And giving you kid a weird name leaves no carbon footprint whatsoever.

But if you have veto power, this ruins everything.